All the Lonely People

Nearly 60 years ago, the Beatles crooned, “All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?” These questions remain relevant today. The loneliness epidemic does not just affect one age group but spans all generations. Humans are wired for connection, created by God for both intimacy and community. Without it, we fail to thrive, leading to a slew of physical and mental health problems.

Loneliness is a normal feeling that signals a mismatch between what we want and what we have. Our hopes and reality don’t align. Our unmet expectations for the quantity and quality of our relationships create loneliness.

The perception of loneliness is highly individual, differing from person to person. Some people appear isolated yet don’t feel lonely. Others may be surrounded by people yet experience the ache of disconnection. A marriage can be terribly lonely when characterized by emotional distance. A day of solitude might be viewed as a gift or a curse. Having one or two close friends may be met with contentment or frustration. It depends on the person’s expectations.

It also depends on the underlying need. Research points to two types of loneliness: social and intimate. 

• Social loneliness highlights the need for a circle of friends, a community that bears one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).
• Intimate loneliness is the need to share life with someone else, which is often fulfilled by a spouse but could also be met through a best friend, as seen in the friendship between David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1). 

Expectations shaped by society, the church or social media may increase both social and intimate loneliness.

Loneliness signals that change is needed. Our God-given need for connection and community is not being met. Just like hunger tells you to eat, loneliness tells you to reach out and connect. The problem is that when loneliness is blended with fear, it tells us to withdraw, to protect ourselves from possible rejection. The more we withdraw when lonely, the fewer opportunities we have for connection. The greater disconnection we experience, the more we feel excluded and rejected, making it even more difficult to reach out. This vicious cycle perpetuates loneliness.

Where do they all come from?

Where do they all come from? At any age, people can get stuck in a cycle of loneliness, struggling with unmet needs for social and intimate connection. The pain of feeling alone exists throughout our lives, but different types of loneliness prevail at certain stages, based on developmental needs.

• Young children (ages 3–7) need playmates, engaging in shared activities and feeling part of a social group. As they grow, children desire close friendships where they feel known and understood, sowing seeds of intimate connection. In middle childhood (ages 7–12), it becomes increasingly important for kids to have a group of friends in which they feel included and accepted. Bullying and social rejection can lead to higher rates of social loneliness at this developmental stage.
• Teenagers look for both quality and quantity in friendships. Loneliness in the teenage years is often connected to intimate loneliness, lacking quality connection with a close friend or a romantic partner, but social loneliness also exists when a teenager lacks close friends or experiences rejection or victimization. Teenage boys, who often run in groups, experience greater intimate loneliness. Adolescent girls, on the other hand, may have one or two close friends but may lack a social group, suffering from social loneliness.¹
• Young adults (ages 18–21 and older) often face significant life changes at the same time they are needing a friend group or are seeking out a romantic partner. The number of close connections might shift at this stage because of leaving school, relocating, starting a career or dating. Young adults can experience high rates of both social and intimate loneliness in this developmental transition.

Someone once joked that the greatest miracle Jesus ever performed was being a middle-aged man with 12 close friends. In adulthood, marital status is often a buffer against intimate loneliness. However, research shows social loneliness peaks in early and middle adulthood, when it can be difficult for both men and women to form a peer group.²

Contrary to common beliefs, many older adults maintain strong intimate and social connections. However, natural changes in this developmental stage lead to higher rates of loneliness for those over the age of 80. Older adults face loss of loved ones, lack of mobility or caregiving responsibilities that contribute to feeling isolated. Single, older adults living alone who don’t participate in social or religious groups experience higher rates of both social and intimate loneliness.

Studies on intimate loneliness reveal a U-shaped pattern, with the highest rates among young people (ages 15–24) and older adults (80+). In contrast, social loneliness tends to peak in middle adulthood, forming a bell-shaped curve.² Disruptions at any stage, such as a breakup or divorce, can lead to intimate loneliness, while geographical moves or job changes often trigger social loneliness, disrupting support networks like church communities.

Where do they all belong?

Churches, when operating as Christ intended, can offer connection for the lonely among us. A lonely person may know that God is their refuge, an ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). We may encourage the lonely to turn to God, pointing to David’s example (Psalm 25:16).

But having a friend in Jesus doesn’t negate our need for tangible community. God’s solution to loneliness is the church. Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families,” but Paul emphasizes that the church is a new household, the family of God (Ephesians 2:19).

So, how can the church address loneliness?

Look for loneliness.

Notice how the two types of loneliness appear in your congregation at different ages and life stages. Remember: intimate loneliness follows a U-shaped curve, peaking in young adults and old age, while social loneliness follows a bell-shaped curve, peaking in middle adulthood.

Embody hospitality. Hebrews 13:1 reminds us to show hospitality to strangers, remembering those who are neglected. Sometimes, churches can operate as exclusive social clubs instead of places of hospitality. Let’s be brave and intentionally reach out to newcomers and strangers, offering acceptance and belonging to those afraid of rejection.

Provide service opportunities.

Research shows that people who volunteer are less lonely. Serving alongside others provides a chance to connect while minimizing the risk of rejection. Churches can build community by creating shared experiences through service, often a less risky and more meaningful option than small talk over doughnuts and coffee.

All the lonely people, from the first grader begging for a playdate to the widower eating alone, need a place to belong. May our churches respond to both social and intimate loneliness across the lifespan by offering connection and community to a lonely world.

References

This article originally appeared in Christian Leader on Nov. 1, 2025, and is republished here with permission.